Horrid Photos

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January 30th:

Had my photos taken today and despite the professionalism and kindness of photographer Simon Veit-Wilson, it was as expected a less than delightful experience. We started off in the Tynemouth Lodge pub which was thankfully almost empty. I thought I could just hide behind a table, couple of quick snaps, job done. Oh no, I was posed by the bar while Simon equipped himself with various instruments of his trade. The session seemed to take forever as I grimaced and squinted (see marketing post) to Simon’s encouraging and gentle prompts.

I have sadly and inevitably put on a great deal of weight in the last five years, approximately equal to permanently carrying round a not so small, depressed poet, which doesn’t help confidence issues. (I’ve started reducing my inner, that should be outer poet, the journey of which surely deserves a separate blog). To add to this my new blouse once on looked like a utilitarian granddad shirt. Then there was my ‘prop’’ which I had to clumsily clutch on to. I had been asked to bring a copy of my script which I couldn’t find so I had shoved a load of papers in a folder and stuck a few Pub Quiz leaflets on top. I was asked to stand with my foot on the bar with my drink (apple juice) in front of me which looked like an extra large whiskey.

The combination of masculine pose, paper and leaflets, working man’s shirt, heavy make up, nervous blushes and squints made me look like an obese, alcoholic, transvestite lorry driver about to embark on a BNP leafleting campaign. That’s sure to improve ticket sales.

This was followed by a trip to Whitley Bay beach to prove I do in fact live in the North East and hadn’t had my passport stamped at the border. It was blowing a ruddy gale and so to avoid my hair rising to the skies in the style of Ken Dodd I slipped on my woolly hat and ended up looking like Hannah Hauxwell on a rare trip out from her one woman Dale’s asylum. Poor Simon.

I need a drink. Where is my make-up artist sister when I need her?

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Tags: beach, Carina, make-up, new writing north, photos, pub, script